kathleen (vanityrots) wrote,

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I'm Kathy and I live in sub-rural California and I make bad decisions a lot. I used to be in honors classes before I got my priorities fucked up and started being a lazy-ass. That caused me to have to quit cheerleading. im not a very interesting person. quite boring actually. who knows how i hold conversations with people. but anyways. my girlfriend is this WONDERFUL SPECTACULAR FANTASTIC girl who is so great it overwhelms me sometimes. her name is dannielle for future reference and that is the only name i will refer to her as b/c i am not one to like pet names. i think they are dumb and gay. Oh and about my sexuality since a lot of people ask. I am straight for the most part. i wouldn't call myself bi or gay but instead, open-minded. if a girl came along and i had a connection with her and she was attractive and had qualities i look for in a person, i would date her or consider dating her. I have a lot of confidence issues and im not very dependent. i dont think i am an attractive person at all. thats about all tha background i can think of rite now.
so im really tired now. I cried last nite when i came home from the football game. going to tha football game made me kinda tired and sad. tired because i am a loser and i dont go out as often as a 16-year old girl should and so when i do go out it causes me to get tired at an early time. sad b/c i miss cheering. i miss being down there and performing even though people dont watch you. being down there and making jokes and laughing til your cheeks hurt with hella coo girls. going out at halftime and perforing for everyone. its just a great thing i miss. i wish i still had it. but anyways. i was crying b/c when i came home brandi called and she made me kind of sad earlier that day when she said she was hanging out with me cuz i was her backup but not in those words. so i decided not to spend tha nite at her house. i have hella shit to do this weekend anyways. but that wasn't what made me cry. so yeh i came home and went online and talked to dannielle. she was upset about something at the game so i asked what it was. she didn't want to tell me but i kept nagging her. i kno i shouldn't have, but im so nosey...well what she was thinking was...

for a week now i've been thinking about us, and how at the beginning it seemed so...unreal. i wanted you so badly, and people say you can never have what you truely want, and i truely wanted to be with you, and it killed me when i thought nothing would come of this. but now i have you, and i realize how amazing you are, and you're very pretty, but sometimes i just don't think you're for me.
i got cornbread (10:56:09 PM): what makes me not for you?
shotg unsta tic (10:56:12 PM): i liked you a lot, and now it's fading and i don't want that because i know how much i liked you, and i don't want it to go away because that was an amazing feeling.
shotg unsta tic (10:56:43 PM): when i kissed you the first time i felt fucking infinate, and now when i kiss you i wonder if you could do better, and if there's people around who know that i'm not the one for you.
i got cornbread (10:57:21 PM): so wait. you like me less now than you did before?
shotg unsta tic (10:57:26 PM): we have this great connection, and it was greater in the beginning, but now it's like i'm not good enough for anyone, and really i'm just a waste of everyone's time. and i don't want that for you because you are a great girl, and i don't want to waste your time.
shotg unsta tic (10:57:40 PM): it's not that i like you less, it's just that i don't feel so close to you as i did before.
shotg unsta tic (10:57:55 PM): and that's my fault because i'm always thinking about the bad things.
shotg unsta tic (10:58:10 PM): and i kind of force myself away from you, and it was the same with lauren. i forced myself to hate her.
i got cornbread (10:59:04 PM): so you think you are going to end up hating me?
shotg unsta tic (10:59:29 PM): i didn't want to, there was no reason, i just found a way out of that relationship as fast as i could because....well, i don't exactly know why.
shotg unsta tic (10:59:29 PM): i'm not bored with you at all, i'm just upset that i can't seem to make this work.
shotg unsta tic (10:59:37 PM): i want to fall in love with you so badly, i want to be able to tell you how much i love you and i just can't bring myself to do it. you can't force love, i know that, but i get this feeling that it will never happen for us, because of me.
shotg unsta tic (10:59:48 PM): i don't want to hate you, and i didn't want to hate lauren, i just...did.
shotg unsta tic (11:00:29 PM): i can't tell you what's going to happen because i'm always thinking something new, and that could determine how things workout
shotg unsta tic (11:01:03 PM): i care about you so much, and that's why i wonder how i can not even give a shit about your feelings sometimes.
shotg unsta tic (11:01:03 PM): there's something terribly wrong with that.
shotg unsta tic (11:01:24 PM): i hope you believe me when i say i care about you, and want to love you.
shotg unsta tic (11:01:50 PM): you deserve to be loved, you're amazing.
shotg unsta tic (11:01:58 PM): i just don't know how i can sit and think to myself that this isn't going to work out for me.

so yeh...i cried but i think we worked it out...she just doesn't think as much about it. i hope it works out. i like her more than words can explain and i want to love her. but yeh...

I havn't seen eli or lara in a few weeks. i wonder if lara knows. i havn't told her but maybe someone else did. i dunno. i still hav their wyoming presents tho. isn't that sad? i went to wyoming in like july...
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