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What happens when its gone... [09 Jul 2004|02:44am]
So I am reading this book now, and at first i thought it was questioning God. But as i read on and approached the middle of the book i realized that it was really questioning the extent of people's faith in God. Those people who are righteous and aren't afraid to tell people that they are going to go to hell for all their sins. It really questions how much far their faith takes them and if it takes them further from God. It is a very interesting book so far, but a sort of depression is starting to root from it. It brings thoughts of losing someone you really were in love with and cared for, and i guess all the sadness comes from the fact that i don't have someone like that. i never have, really. And it makes me wonder about a lot of things. A lot of people spend time telling people like me that they will find somebody eventually. But there are people who don't. What happens if i end up like one of the exceptions?
my last week of government is next week. im actually kind of sad about it. it was a great class. i wish it were my psychology class that was ending next week. I have no idea why I do so bad in that class. I study every night after class and on the weekends, almost triple the amount of time i study for gov't, and i still get b's on my tests.
when we get our tests back in gov't, tuan always asks me what my score was. and then when i tell him and A he goes into this really annoying thing where he talks about how he is dumb and he can only get b's and i do so much better and i don't even study as much. it really annoys the shit out of me. i don't know why people do that; to get sympathy? well, i try to be polite...but im reaching the point where I can't be anymore. he is just too annoying...
The senior portraits thing came in the mail today. I called the lady in charge because the flyer said our week ended on july 10, but we received the letter on the ninth. There is no way that people are going to get in there before our week is up. So I was calling to complain, but she wasn't in. so i left a message. It made me so mad.
i need a new job. i have to quit this one soon because it wont fit into my schedule. this really sucks because it took me a really long time to even find this job.

yehok...no. [06 Jan 2004|08:00pm]
people said that i looked like a little kid today. hey, thanks! not. "awww, you look like a little girl on the first day of kindergarten!" thanks, kaeli! appreciate it. and then people ask me if i'm cold. if i was, why would they want to know. and if i wasn't, they obviously formed their own opinion already. but whatever.
english was almost unbearable today. i hate having a class full of ignorant people. after the dumbasses gave the most bullshit answers i had ever heard, i answered the question. and then after i answered the question the boy in the back raised his hand and said the same exact thing i said, except in ebonics or someshit.
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[20 Dec 2003|08:26am]

huh [29 Nov 2003|07:03pm]
[ mood | confused ]

why is the background www.snapfish.com? im confused.


can i detatch my head? [17 Oct 2003|09:01pm]
[ mood | pessimistic ]

i have the biggest headache ever. i am trying to take the practice test for the PSATs that i have tomorrow but its just not working out for me. samantha and sarah just stopped by. danny is picking them up cuz they are going to spend the nite at his house or something. she asked if i wanted to join them but i told her i dont think so. she said they wouldn't party but i kno them better than that. i am not really a party person i guess, i dont drink. im not rowdy. i don't do drugs. and i hate being around drunk people. so i just stay away from the party scene unless i kno there will be someone there not drinking/doing drugs.i juss really dont want to fuck up my life rite now cuz i am kind of where i want to be for this current time in my life. and if i start to party and drink and do drugs my grades will drop, i will start not caring about my work and stuff. i dont want that to happen only b/c i might go to college. or maybe an art school in frisco. i want to be a personal shopper. so cool. so omar bugs me. he is so gross. i can't stand him now. he is so repulsive and ignorant. he makes me wonder if i still realy like boys. i think i do, but im not really sure. that may be a bad sign. he IMed me like two seconds after he got on and asked what i was doing tonite. i told him resting and he put his away message on. he wants to fuck. five bucks says i dont even like sexual intercourse. so gross. so samantha told this guy brian that i like him. which i dont. but like, i dunno, a month after me n dannielle started dating i met him and we spent like the whole nite or until 5:30 together and he is a great guy. and i remember telling samantha that he was really cute and if i wasn't with dannielle i would try to get with him. well she was talking to him and she said that and he was like, "I thought she likes girls." im not really sure if i do or not. but im not sure if i like him, but he is a really cool guy. i want to get to kno him more. i want a someone. to have. and not to say i love you and shit b/c that is so fake, but to juss have there. and they kno they have you. so gay.

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dumb [07 Oct 2003|10:35pm]
[ mood | groggy ]

i really wish i didn't cry. so dumb. i figured out that i eat when im bored and so i tried not doing that today, and it worked out pretty ok. i had a salad and an eggroll for dinner. and a sucker at lunch. and some chocolate milk at nite. i skipped lunch and breakfast; i thought i would be dying, but i really didn't feel that different. i almost ate potato salad. i had it half open, and then i put it back.


blah [07 Oct 2003|05:52pm]
She fucking asks me why i hate her. so stupid. she asked me like half an hour before she SOCKS ME IN THE FREAKIN BACK. AND IN MY FREAKIN TEMPLE. could have killed me. That is why i hate you. i cried. hella stupid. i was trying not to. i dont want to hit back anymore. i hate her so much.

double ugh? [01 Oct 2003|03:05pm]
[ mood | okay ]

So today wasn't much better. Nothing really happened today. this girl in my physics class never knew my last name so she just found out that michelle was my sister. she was like "awww i remember you now. you are hecka different. I remember when me and janica used to go to the drive-in with you and your sister and janelle." i was like "ummm, yeh. did you get the answer to number 4?" i hate when people do stuff like that. i dont really care about it, so why do they tell me? does it have a point? so dumb. still no history book. history books just dont walk away.


hmmm [20 Sep 2003|09:21pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

I dunno. i dont feel good, but not like in a stomach-ache sense. more of like a emotional and depressed way. i hav cried everyday at some point since it happened. the day she did it i waited until i got home to cry. on friday night, we were laying in bed and she kissed me. i started crying. and then i stopped and awhile later we kissed again and i asked her what she was thinking about. and she said she wished that that had made her a lot happier, and i started hecka crying. i dont remember stopping and i dont remember falling asleep. but i remember waking up and pulling the blanket over myself. i hurts to cry sometimes. and i cant breathe very well when i cry. i hurt a lot.

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eh. [15 Sep 2003|08:39pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I think sometimes I ask too much of people. Like I just don't know when to stop asking. and I start to become needy. I'm waaaaay too dependent on the people close to me. I can't find a group for my eggdrop. It is due on friday, but it is only 20 points. if i can't find someone i think i could probaby make it up with other things. i hope. i still have an F in spanish 3. im good at it. i got a good grade on my test. gosh. but i dunno. my wakeboarding spread is due tomorro and i really dont have anything. im pratically freakin out. i wish the room was open today. me AND john both needed to go in there and do stuff.

1 ; #

still bored? [14 Sep 2003|06:35pm]
[ mood | hot ]

so my dad won money i guess, cuz he is buying me a recorder for yearbook. yeh. i really want some fried ice cream. i wish i knew how to make it. i dont feel good. im so hot and i feel sick to my stomach. i have been listening to the beatles since like 9 this morning. it makes me feel kind of old. I made lumpia, maybe the meat made me sick. and i think im becoming lactose intolerent, can you juss develop it? i hope not. i really like milk...and oooooo ice cream. i dont feel like going to school tomorro. the only good point is when im with dannielle.

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addicted... [14 Sep 2003|09:10am]
[ mood | bored ]

so i woke up at 8 today. i hate when i do that. i feel like i want to sleep more but i can't. Oh well, i talked to dannielle before she had to get ready for church. even when i dont see her for just a day i miss her. Is there something wrong with me? why do i miss her when she is only gone for like a second.

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ugh... [14 Sep 2003|02:43am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

so i just talked to omar. it bothers me so much cuz i kno that he is a lil player or whatever and he still tryna spit game. i kno who likes me more. dannielle. and i kno who i like more. dannielle. and i kno who wouldn't cheat on me(i hope). dannielle. and i kno who makes me feel wonderful. dannielle. i really dont think it is that hard of a choice. dannielle. im hers.


insomnia... [14 Sep 2003|01:55am]
[ mood | awake ]

so i should be asleep rite now so i can get up early tomorro and do all the things i need to do. but i am not tired for some reason. maybe it is because i took a nap after samantha went home to take her nap. i dunno. but dannielle wasn't too pleased that i took a nap. she didn't sound mad, just like she wanted me to come over while all her soccer friends werethereforaparty.justa sec...my ghetto keyboard neededtobehitalittle cuz some of the keys dont work all the time. i didn't want to go over there while she was having her little soccer party. am i a part of her soccer team??? nooooo so why would i go to her SOCCER party. my dad left around ten. i didn't ask where but he prolly went to gamble. my parents do that a lot. sometimes its a hassle. i think it has an emotional toll too. not just on them, but on me too. they mite not realize it, but until i find a job, how much money they gamble or spend affects me too. i dunno. my dad went by himself tho. he usually doesn't do good when he is by himself. i dont mean do good like winning, i mean do good like knowing when to stop.
im so glad we had this weekend off from yearbook. i dunno, i have to be an aggressive person being an editor and thats not really me. i think that is why im so grateful to have john. he makes phone calls and whatnot. and that is a really good thing since im not a phone person. sometimes i feel like brandi doesn't do what i ask as an editor b/c she is one of my best friends. i think she may be getting better at that tho, b/c the other day i was asking her about a wakeboarding spread and she gave me all the information and then when i asked her to let me know when she knows when they will be going again she was like yeh, i'll tell you as soon as i find out. i appreciate that.
I need a really good book to read b/c i dont feel i have read anything good in a long time.
i think i feel my eyelids getting heavier. could i possibly have partial insomnia?


wow [13 Sep 2003|11:19pm]
[ mood | groggy ]

I'm Kathy and I live in sub-rural California and I make bad decisions a lot. I used to be in honors classes before I got my priorities fucked up and started being a lazy-ass. That caused me to have to quit cheerleading. im not a very interesting person. quite boring actually. who knows how i hold conversations with people. but anyways. my girlfriend is this WONDERFUL SPECTACULAR FANTASTIC girl who is so great it overwhelms me sometimes. her name is dannielle for future reference and that is the only name i will refer to her as b/c i am not one to like pet names. i think they are dumb and gay. Oh and about my sexuality since a lot of people ask. I am straight for the most part. i wouldn't call myself bi or gay but instead, open-minded. if a girl came along and i had a connection with her and she was attractive and had qualities i look for in a person, i would date her or consider dating her. I have a lot of confidence issues and im not very dependent. i dont think i am an attractive person at all. thats about all tha background i can think of rite now.
so im really tired now. I cried last nite when i came home from the football game. going to tha football game made me kinda tired and sad. tired because i am a loser and i dont go out as often as a 16-year old girl should and so when i do go out it causes me to get tired at an early time. sad b/c i miss cheering. i miss being down there and performing even though people dont watch you. being down there and making jokes and laughing til your cheeks hurt with hella coo girls. going out at halftime and perforing for everyone. its just a great thing i miss. i wish i still had it. but anyways. i was crying b/c when i came home brandi called and she made me kind of sad earlier that day when she said she was hanging out with me cuz i was her backup but not in those words. so i decided not to spend tha nite at her house. i have hella shit to do this weekend anyways. but that wasn't what made me cry. so yeh i came home and went online and talked to dannielle. she was upset about something at the game so i asked what it was. she didn't want to tell me but i kept nagging her. i kno i shouldn't have, but im so nosey...well what she was thinking was...
sighCollapse )

so yeh...i cried but i think we worked it out...she just doesn't think as much about it. i hope it works out. i like her more than words can explain and i want to love her. but yeh...

I havn't seen eli or lara in a few weeks. i wonder if lara knows. i havn't told her but maybe someone else did. i dunno. i still hav their wyoming presents tho. isn't that sad? i went to wyoming in like july...


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